Heart Scythe

Heart-Scythe
12/31/2006 11:06pm

Searing pain, sword of flame,
A lightning flash stabbed through,
Going numb, mustn’t succumb,
Soon passed it shall be too.

Chest constrained, breathing chained,
Growing tighter with each breath drew.
Vision fading, light to shading,
Losing sight as darkness grew.

Finish it now, or let go
Strengh is gone like spring time dew.
Knees go weak, floorboards creak,
From up to down with no clue.

Thanatos, darkened ghost,
Just take that which is your due.
Stop the game, Call my name,
There’ll be no fight by me with you.

RE:

I never asked you to feel sorry for me, so that was wasted. I also told you more than once when you said you don’t say things directly that I’ll never catch hints because i wasn’t raised to assume that adults were playing childish word games when speaking to me. I was raised to believe that adults speak straight and that if you have to try to read into what someone is saying its time to remove that person from your life because you can’t trust anything they say. Children play word games, Adults speak straight. Try it sometime, you’ll find that it eliminates any confusion about what you mean.

As to truth about people, I’ve never been less than completely honest with you. You are the one that twisted what I did into a lie. You are the one that made the false accusations. You are the one that refused to accept the truth when it didn’t correspond to the lie you’d created and chosen to believe, so don’t try feeding me that “you aren’t the innocent” shit. It’s obvious that you expect people to bow down, kiss your ass, and pretend the world is the fantasyland you want it to be. Reality check, thats not how the world works.

Nice way to concoct more BS lies with the homeless comment. Maybe you should drag your head out of your ass and listen to what people say to you once in a while, but I’ll repeat myself anyway. When people live with their parents, a girlfriend, wife, roommate, etc they don’t get to just make decisions about letting someone stay with them without consulting them first. Not everyone wants someone they don’t know anything about, who doesn’t have a job and can’t contribute to the bills sleeping on their couch. It wasn’t unwilling to let me stay with them, it was unable, there’s a world of difference between them.

I lost the house on Perkiomen because my the homeowner who I was buying the home from decided not to pay the property taxes even though we had a sale agreement that said she was responsible for them for 3 years and she didn’t bother to tell me she wasn’t paying them. How is it my fault that she didn’t hold up to her responsibilities? BTW, shes being kicked out of where shes at for stealing over $7000 from the man she lives with and applying for loans and credit cards as his wife even though they aren’t married. She’s being criminally charged for grand theft, identity theft, and fraud. She did the same thing to my grandmother and my brother and theres a credit card out there in the name of “Fletcher Marketing” that has an original billing address of her post office box but has my social security number attached to it.

I can get the treasury department to send me a printout showing what happened to enough savings bonds to pay for 2 years at MIT in the 30 days before I turned 18. Small fee to get them to pull the microfilms and print it if you’re interested in seeing the name of the person that cashed them, its not me. Wonder why I went to a 50th rate tech school that nobody had ever heard of.

Getting fired from giant had to do with customer complaints about the woman screaming obscenities at me at the top of her lungs in the store. That woman was my mother and the obscenities were in regards to her being investigated by the police after the manager called them to report that he’d witnessed her slashing the tires on my car in the parking lot.
Theres witnesses from the post office who heard one of the regular employees tell me “if he gets fired and you value your life you’ll leave the county” in response to my filing a complaint of harassment against a coworker who kept threatening me because I was working to fast and making him look bad yet it was me that got fired from the job when the postal inspectors investigated it.

Theres an online forums site where you can posts by a group of people there saying that I said they caused all the stress in my life (guess money problems and only finding temp jobs isn’t stressful), that I claimed they caused me to have a nervous breakdown (as if computers dont have an ‘off’ button and I wouldn’t have been hospitalized for several months), that I said they caused me to try to kill myself (I own a gun, if id tried I’d be dead, but thats lost on them), that I tried to get site administration to delete the forum (don’t know how renaming an image on my personal server weeks after I deleted my account can do that). They’re the ones that followed me to other forum sites and myspace after I deleted my account at delphi and started shit with me there. So you tell me, who caused the drama there?

And you should see why I’ve been single for 7 yrs, after all, I told you why it was. Anytime someones shown an interest in me I’ve turned them down because I wasn’t interested in a relationship at the time that they were interested in me. I wanted life simple, so I stayed single, worked, slept, hung out with friends, and avoided the complications that relationships always create. I have never said I have women falling at my feet, I have had women interested in me in the last 7 years, but no more than I would assume the average guy has, and if it is more its likely due to the ‘mysterious’ air of a guy that writes poetry, lives alone, and keeps to himself.

Obviously you didn’t know the first thing about me or this whole situation would have never happened. Ive always been too nice for my own good, Its gotten me used and hurt a lot, but I’ve refused to change because that would be letting the people that used and hurt me win, so I’ve found myself right back in the same position again and again. Its why I was willing to let down my guard and trust you completely, because you’ve been through the same kind of shit and I thought that meant I could safely be myself around you and not keep you at twice arms length like I do everyone else.

New Years Resolutions

Every year people make New Year Resolutions. For twelve years I havent made any resolutions at all. When I was eighteen I made a resolution to not make new years resolutions, and ive kept it. Considering that most people break their resolutions before January is over I’d say twelve years is a pretty good run. Well now I’m gonna break that resolution.

New Years Resolutions:

Be less than completely honest. I know that sounds like a bad resolution, but in the last few months being completely honest has on multiple occastions resulted in (in no particular order other than as I think of them):

My words and actions being twisted into something they aren’t

Me being accused of doing things I didnt do

Me being called a liar

Friends turning on me

Valued friendships ending

Loss of any reason to care about anything, even my own life

My ability to trust anyone being completely lost, refound, and now teetering on being lost again

So as it has become apparent that honesty is not the best policy, I’ll be less than completely honest now. To those of you who have valued my complete honesty, I’m sorry but it has to go, it causes too many problems so it has to go.

Care less. That sounds strange too, but again, caring has caused problems so I have to put the breaks on it. If you’re in trouble, don’t look to me for help because with very few exceptions its not likely to come. Caring about others, and because of that, doing everything in my power to help them in any way I could has caused me too much hurt and gotten my heart torn up more than once in the last few years, and this last time it was just too much for me. So it ends. Expect my heart to be just about completely closed and cold from now on.

Stop Trusting People And again, I know that sounds odd, but again, trusting people who haven’t stood by my side and been willing to take a bullet for/with me has let to alot of pain, so if you haven’t stood next to me stared down the barrel of a gun with me, don’t expect to find yourself on the trusted list, thats just how it has to be.

That should do, If not, ill add more.

Related Issues

Betrayals
Friendship
Observations
Contemplations
Trust
Tired of It

Instinctive responses, Discoveries, Drama, and Questions

Right now Im starting to think I never should have started researching my family tree. With all but one exception, I refuse to pay for membership to any genealogy sites because they just aren’t worth paying for. The one exception costs me $360/year but the sheer volume of information they have and the way they link that information for you so you dont have to spend hours upon hours sorting through it makes it well worth the $30/month (in one lump sum, ugh) they charge.
Put in what information you have, whether its full info (full name, location, DoB, DoD, etc etc) or just a name and general area or year range, checks in teh boxes for types of info you want, and off you go. If you only have partial info, it gives you a list of ‘preview links’ for you to choose from. CLICK and voila, instant info on not only the person you were looking for but any siblings they have.

Great for family genealogical research, but also handy for finding bdays and anniversaries of family and friends. So while getting anniversary dates for a couple cousins i decided to get the anniversary dates for friends, old and current. I got the info I needed, and the site also came up with something that could be a problem for another friend.

Decision time. Do I pass along the information that could be a problem for the other friend, or do i act like i never saw it and take the risk that they’ll get hit out of the blue later? Easy decision, I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I sat back and did nothing when I knew there was a possibility of a major issue later. So I passed that information along, and the result was something I’d never have expected, drama. Accusations of prying into their life, of trying to dredge shit up, of lying to about how I found the information, of hacking into court records, etc etc.

So now what do I do. Do I follow my initial instinct and just say “Fuck it, I’m done” and walk? Do I try to salvage a friendship that I’m now questioning the value of? Sit back and wait to see what happens? Something else?

More of Me

Physically: im male, im of mixed ethnic descent (though not lucky enough to be a “Half-breed” as ive been called. Mostly scotch/irish and german with a bit of native american), im a bastard (2.Child raised with no father present during formative years).

Mentally: Im part intellectual, part poet/dreamer

Emotionally: Im a closed person, even to myself. My heart rarely speaks to anyone, including me. It keeps its own counsel.

Spiritually: I follow a mixed path of shamanism (native american and celtic) and eastern religion and philosophy (Mostly taoist which is very close to native american but with a bit of buddhist and lamaist mixed in).

Politically: I subscribe to social and political anarchist philosopies.

Philosophically: I tend to lean toward nihilist tendencies.

Does what I am physically determine any of the others? Does what I am physically decide to do with what I think? What I feel? What I believe?

Am I an anarchist because I’m male, or because the intellectual in me wanted to know what it was all about, discovered that the whole of society is wrong about what anarchism* is, and felt the philosophies of anarchism were not only superior to other political and philosophical systems but completely in line with what the authors of the constitution wanted for the country?

Do I follow a mixed NA/Easter path because of my bloodline, or becuase after studying multiple religions in depth that is what ‘felt’ most right to my soul and called to me lifting my sprit in ways that no other had?

Does being a bastard cause my nihilistic tendencies, or is it the simple facts that in the end nothing we say or do matters because all die leaving only memories that are forgotten in few generations if we’re lucky and that no matter what we do the world will continue on as it has for millenia meaning we are little more than specks of dust blowing in the wind for a time before settling to the earth to be forgotten?

Does anything of what I am cause my heart to be closed or is that from the abuses I’ve suffered at the hands of many people when my heart opened and shared what was inside causing it to lock itself behind a wall to which even I do not have a key?

*Anarchism: From the greek ‘a’ or ‘an’ meaning ‘not or without’ and ‘archos’ meaning hierarchy (not government as one Sir Webster wrote in his dictionary due to his lack of understanding of greek and which all other dictionaries have simply reprinted rather than researching for themself.
Anarchos – without hierarchy
Hierarchy 1. any system of persons or things ranked one above another.
Anarchos – without one person or thing being ranked above another
Equality 1. the state or quality of being equal; correspondence in quantity, degree, value, rank, or ability.
Without heirarchy = With equality
Anarchos = Equality

And Again with the LJ Repost

Date: 2003-04-18 20:21
Subject: Whats up with…
Security: Public
Mood: thoughtful

All the best women ending up with guys that just oppress them, control them, and in general mistreat them? What is it that makes these guys feel they need to take a perfect wild rose, cursh it, tear off petals, dethorn it, and kill it? Why can’t they see the treasure they hold and curl their hands protectively around it instead of clutching it in a deathgrip and destoying it? Why do the nicest, sweetest, kindest women end up with guys like that who’ll just break their spirit.

Maybe I should become like that, controlling. Maybe that’ll get me a good woman. In my next relationship, whenever that is, i think ill try that.

I’ll DEMAND that she be her own person, i’ll ORDER her to NOT live her life for me, to NOT cater to my every whim, to be the woman SHE WANTS to be. I’ll give her no choice but to keep her spirit, to feed the fires that rage inside her, Ill allow her to sacrifice for me ONLY IF SHE WANTS TO!!

I know, that’s not exactly controlling. I can’t be controlling, its not in me to be like that. I can’t do that to someone, its not right to treat someone like property like that.

A good woman is a beautiful flower that should be protected, nurtured, cared for. A rare gem that needs to be polished, placed in a setting that matches its beauty, but never cut bc her natural beauty far outshines anything you could do to change it.

To any guys reading this, if you find a good woman, one who’ll support you in ur endeavors, laugh with you when your happy, comfort you when ur sad, help heal your past wounds and dry ur tears when someone inflicts a new one, stand by ur side with pride when ur leading the charge, and pick you up when ur knocked down, treat her right. Do for her all that she does for you and more. Be her knight in shining armor when shes in distress, her strength when she feels weak, her diary when she needs to unburden her soul, her pillow when she needs to hold something and cry, her Romeo so she never forgets how beautiful she is and how much she deserves the happiness shes found in you.

Remember the little things, a flower for no reason other than it made you think of her, a little note stuck in her coat pocket that says “I Love You,” sweeping her into ur arms and kissing her just because shes there, sitting on the couch together and just being there, the gentle touch on her arm that says “I’m here for you,” and watching sunsets together.

Never forget that that good woman has chosen to share her life with you, because the moment you forget that, you’ll start taking her for granted and risk not only losing her, but hurting her in ways that may never be able to be healed. If you take her for granted and crush her, just like a rose thats been broken, she may never have the same shine, the same beauty, the same spirit inside that you first fell in love with and that made her the good woman you once held.

Marshall J. Fletcher
4/18/2003