Letter to Opty – from an older post, deserves its own.

Optimus,

I love you. I’ll always love you. You’ll always be my Baby Boy and my Buddy. Losing you has left a hole inside me that will never be filled. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. You were always there for me, whether it was a migraine or a collapsed lung, you took the best care of me you could and stayed by my side till I was better and I should have been there for you. Please forgive me Baby Boy. If I’d had any idea there was something wrong I’d have been right there, holding you as I called the vet, talking to you as I took you there, holding you as you were examined, and no matter what it took I’dve paid it to make you better.

Don’t worry about your Sissies and Mom, I’ll take the best care of them I can. Paradox and Ninjai don’t understand why they can’t find you, and I’m trying to do what I can for them, but they’re gonna miss you even more than me. You were their Big Brother, their Litter Mate, you babies had a bond before I ever met you so I know they’re gonna take this hard when they realize you aren’t coming back. I’ll be there for them, I promise. I’ll do my best to cheer them up, but it’s gonna be hard. I keep looking for you, it’s gonna take a long time for me to stop doing that if I ever do. I hope I don’t. I hope I keep looking for you for the rest of my life so that your memory doesn’t fade. I should have taken more pictures of you, I only have the ones I took when you were real little, and I haven’t gotten those developed. But I’m going to do that today.

I hope you don’t mind, but I messaged one of the people on the gun forum that does taxidermy. I want to have you here forever, sitting regally like the sphynx watching over me and your Sissies and Mom. I know its just a shell, but its still you’re shell and I don’t think I can just let the vet toss you after they find out why you left me. I’m sorry about that too, but I need to know so I can protect the rest of the babies if its something they might catch. Its why I contacted the taxidermist, the vet is going to have to cut you open as it is. I’m sorry for that, you should be here in my lap right now instead of where you are.

I miss you, Buddy. We were allies against the female forces here. You and me against the girls. You were my Baby Boy, curled up in my lap getting belly rubs. You were our protector, watching over us as we slept, watching over me when I was ill, and patiently waiting at the door for me to come home to you when the doctor made me better.

You’ll always be my Baby Boy, I’ll always love you, and there will always be a home for you inside my heart.

Daddy

Six Months

Its been six months since He was taken from us. I still can’t think about Him without crying. I can’t talk about Him without crying. I still keep looking for Him without thinking about it. I try to chase Him from the faucet when making coffee and tell Him to watch His head when I get up from the desk. I still have so many habits that exist only because of Him but they have no meaning now.

I sit at my desk after taking a shower and still close my eyes and just sit here. I’d washed “our smell” off of me and He’d fix that. He’d jump up on the desk and start rubbing His cheeks and forehead against my face getting His smell and the smell of the other Babies back on me, then He’d groom my hair and beard so I looked as good as I smelled. Sitting down and closing my eyes while I enjoyed His grooming of me became automatic. Now its just sitting down and closing my eyes, and it tears me up.

I get into bed, give the covers a shake so they lay loosely around my feet and wait. He’d always jump on the bed, rub my face to say goodnight, then pounce my feet and wrap his paws around them as he rubbed His face on them through the blankets. Now its just a flap of the blankets that drives a knife into my heart.

I wake up and wait for Him to greet me with a morning face rub before getting his brekkie bellies like He did everyday and it never comes. There’s no good mornings for Daddy.

Exactly 6 months to the day and it still feels like He’s here. Sometimes I swear I hear Him cry, so I call Him to me only to realize that it couldn’t have been Him. I’ll be laying in bed and feel His freight train rumble run through my foot and I wiggle my toes and try to rub His ears with them but there’s nobody there. I’ll be at my desk, kicking my foot as I type, bump Him, and when I push the keyboard tray in as I say “Daddy boooooked you” I see an empty space under the desk instead of Him.

I miss Him so much. I still need My Buddy. He deserves to be with his family playing with bally, and pouncing their tails, and running around the apartment, and napping with them and just being loved. More than anything He deserves a long, healthy, happy life full of love.

Never finished this one – Started July 27

My chest problems haven’t gone away, its getting worse. But that’s not why I’m writing.

Lynx has been laying up on the dresser when I go to bed lately. She lays there, front paws curled under, head and ears up, eyes slitted and wathcing the room.
When I lay down in the bed Calicat lays on my stomach with her head on my chest or by my side pressed against me purring away.
At the desk Paradox is in my lap, laying there purring or sitting pressed against my chest.
Ninjai tries to follow me into the bathroom everytime I go in like she doesn’t want me out of her sight.
Lilly lays by my feet under the desk and in the bed keeping the other cats from attacking them and using them for pillows.

Those used to be Optimus’ jobs. He’d watch over us at night when we went to bed before joining us. He stayed by my side in bed and in my lap at the desk purring away trying to heal my chest. He followed me to the bathroom to keep an eye on me and make sure I was ok. He layed by my feet and kept the others from attacking them when I was healthy. Those were His jobs. He decided to watch over us at night so I could sleep and make sure my toes weren’t stalked, and take care of me when my lung collapsed.

I miss Him. I miss Him so much. It’s over 5 months and I still think about Him everyday, I still call for Him. I still accidentally call my other Babies by His name when they do something that reminds me of Him. I still expect Him to be there giving me morning rubbies and ready for brekky bellies when I wake up. I go to bed, tell my Babies its beddy times and then pause expecting night night rubbies from Him. I turn on the faucet to get water for coffee and still expect HIm to try playing with the water.