Once more into the fog

Im feeling lost again. My life was on track, I was on the road to standing on my own feet again, I had a solid daily routine and someone I could talk to when I needed, everything was as it needed to be. Then everyhing changed. Instead of getting closer to being self sufficient I started getting further from it because I lost my job and had to use what I had in the bank to live, now it’s gone and I”m about to lose everything I have. I no longer have a routine, there’s nothing to give me any kind of stability in my daily life and there’s nobody for me to turn to.

I would say the person I thought I could talk to is moving on with their life and leaving me behind except it’s become obvious I was nothing more than a combination taxi/loan service and now that she’s found someone with an income that’s better than what I had, multiple vehicles he can lend her since she has her license back, money to buy her a brand new top of the line phone, and a house for her to live in she no longer bothers with me except when she needs someone to pick her son up. One more person who was apparently just using me until someone more useful came along.

It’s all falling apart, and at the worst possible time of year. Breathing hurts more because of the cold and for almost 2 years now I’ve been more alone than ever before. For at least a month now I’ve been fighting tears from the time I wake up until I finally fall asleep, that’s when I lose that battle. I sleep no more than 4 hours a day so I’m always exhausted.

Once again I’m lost and alone with nothing but pain and fear.  I wake up, either rinse dried tears off my cheeks or wipe tears from my eyes while fighting to get them to stop, spend the entire day fighting to keep them inside, and when I go to sleep the fight ends and they fall.

It’s too much. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be or what I’m supposed to be doing at any time of any day. I don’t know how I’m going to hold on to what little I have. I don’t know how to manage anymore or where to turn for help. I don’t know what to do.

I Failed Them

January of 2009 I suffered a collapsed lung. One of my Baby Kitties, Optimus Prime, stayed by my side for the four days it took after the lung ruptured for me to finally go to the hospital because I couldn’t breath. When I came home from the hospital He didn’t leave my side for the next two weeks. One month to the day after my lung tore and collapsed Optimus left for the Rainbow Bridge.

In taking care of me He’d given me all His love and life to make sure I could take care of His MommyCat, Litter Sissies, and Big Sissies without keeping any for Himself. His life, which should have been 15-18 years, was cut short at less than two. I made my Opty a promise, and have resworn that vow many times in the five years since. I promised Him I would keep His family together and give the rest of my Babies the life they, and He, deserve.

I failed.

We’ve been staying with friends since losing my apartment in September due to the building being condemned as a result of the landlord not paying the water bill. My Babies stay in the basement because of the dogs in the house. I’ve been working a new job since February. The shifts are 10 hours, it’s in a refrigerated warehouse that’s mostly freezer, between the complications from the collapsed lung and the issues from the curve in my spine I’m in constant pain and always tired. Everyday when I get up I spend some time with my Babies talking to them and giving pets and scratches to whichever of them decide they want some love. I do the same when I get in from work in the morning.

Everyday I see them. Everyday I pet them. Everyday I have at least one of them in my lap, usually at least three. Everyday I failed to notice a problem.

When the dogs go out in the yard they sometimes bring in more than they left with. The friends providing us housing have a bag of diatomaceous earth in the basement because it happens every year. The dogs have been thumping the floors constantly for the last couple weeks and I didn’t notice. My cats have been less clustered and more “loner” for the last couple weeks and I chalked it up to them being in an antisocial mood. I’ve been getting bitten up and just assumed it was mosquitoes at work on break and lunch. I didn’t see the problem when it would have mattered.

Friday, May 30, Calicat Jackie was laying near the basement sink instead of in the box of magazines She’d claimed for Herself and I noticed Her back legs and tail were all matted and dirty. The furnace/AC has a drain pipe for the water that condenses in it when the AC is on but the cats keep knocking it away from the drain so it creates a puddle. I assumed She had been laying in the puddle and then got into something that got Her legs all dirty. I brought Her upstairs in the carrier to give Her a bath and while bathing Her I started seeing blood in the water. It was coming from around Her belly and the water draining off of Her neck and head. That’s when I saw the scratches from Her claws. I also saw the cause.

Fleas. That’s why the cats are keeping to themselves. They’re all uncomfortable, getting bitten up, and being predators they’re avoiding each other to not have their “weakness” taken advantage of.

The dogs brought fleas in from the yard, they’ve been spreading through the house, and my cats have them. I bathed Her multiple times to get as many of them off as I could, got Her dried off and even though I didn’t like doing it I took Her back to the basement in the carrier. I opened the door and left it like that so She could hide in there if She wanted and promised Her I’d make it all better when I got home from work.

After work I went to Walmart and got flea shampoo, spray for on the cats, and spray for furniture to kill the fleas. As soon as I got home I went downstairs to get Calicat and bathe Her first. She was still in the carrier, Her fur was still a mess from being towel dried, and when I called Her name and tapped on the side of the box She didn’t respond.

I was too late. Calicat had gone to the Bridge to join Her Brofur Optimus.

I lost it. I closed up the carrier and ran up the stairs to take it outside then went back down to look for the rest of my Babies. I got them all sprayed with the on body flea spray, got it rubbed in, then went back up and out to the yard to Calicat. I took the top off the carrier and when I shined a light on Her I could see the fleas leaving. The vile things killed Her and were trying to leave to find a new victim.

I lost it again. I got the can of furniture spray and used it. I wasn’t going to let those things just leave and go on with their lives. That wasn’t the end of it. I just couldn’t leave Her like that. The thought of those things on Her body was too much. I closed up the carrier and took her up to the bathroom to bathe her again. I had to get them off Her. I had to. The spray hadn’t been enough and there were some still alive. The flea shampoo took care of that. Those vile parasites were not going to infect another creature and they were not going to have my Baby as a cemetery.

I talked to her and cried the entire time. After I dried Her off I brushed Her fur flat with my hand, continued talking to Her, and finally wrapped Her up in the towel I use to dry my hair, the DaddyFur as I called it with them because they always groomed it after my showers when we had our own place and they could lay with me. Calicat always fixed my goatee for me, that was Hers alone. Now She’s gone because I didn’t see what I should have and the best I could do is to wrap Her in my towel before placing Her in a bag and putting her on the back porch until I can call the vet about cremation.

Wednesday, June 11th I went downstairs to get my Babies and take then to the bathroom for another round of flea baths and I found Lynx. She’d joined Her Litter Sissy at the Bridge with Opty.

I lost it again. I tended to Her, I killed those vile creatures, I cleaned them off of Her, and then I wrapped Her in a towel and dried Her off for the last time. She’d lay on my pillow curled around my head as I slept, curl up beside my chest when I stretched out to read, and lick my forehead and cheeks while purring when I wasn’t feeling good.

Two weeks, two Babies.

I failed Them.
I failed Calicat.
I failed Lynx
I failed Optimus.
I failed all my Babies.

She was suffering the pain of those bites and of scratching Herself open and I failed to see my Babies needed me. They took care of me when I needed it, but I failed to take care of them.
I deserve the pain I live in.

A Silent Plea

Fear within building walls,
A labyrinth of winding halls,
Stone by stone, create a maze,
Trapped withing for endless days,
I hide inside, lost alone,
Locked inside fear wrought stone,
Afraid to leave so here I hide,
Torn apart by pain inside,
My aching heart seeks release,
Free from chains, inner peace,
A single hand need I extend,
A plea for help to a friend,
I wish I could, fear won’t allow,
It steals my words, I know not how,
A simple thing this fear to ease,
I cannot ask, help me please.

8/17/2013 1:22am

I’m Tired

I’m tired. 

I’m tired of being in pain all the time.  I’m tired of not being able to sleep.  I’m tired of troubled dreams.  I’m tired of the constnt pain of my waking life being in all my dreams. 

I’m tired of people.  I’m tired of games being played.  I’m tired of learning what I was told was nothing but lies.  I’m tired of false friends.  I’m tired of false hope. 

I’m just tired.

My Baby Kitties give me a reason to keep going for now.  Over the next ten or so years even they’ll leave me one by one until even they’re gone.  I already lost one, February 23 will be four years since Optimus left us.  He deserved far more than the two years He was given.  They all deserve more years than they’ll be given.  I’ll make them the best years I can.

After that though I don’t know.  I’ll still be in pain, possibly worse than now.  I’ll have fewer friends than I do now, if I even have any.  My life will have no purpose.  I could bring more Baby Kitties into it but that would just be creating an artificial purpose just to have one and would only force me to continue living with things I’m tired of living with now. 

I just don’t know anymore. Things weren’t great but they were OK. I was working a job I loved, i had a place i could go to find my Nanny, a way to manage what’s wrong with me, a friend who just understood me and made me feel better about who I am, so things were OK. Then it was all taken. I walked in the door so full of life I was going to explode and no more than fifteen minutes later I left with tears already on my cheeks. The friend was gone. The way to manage what’s broken was gone. The last place I could find Nanny was gone. The job became just a paycheck that requred getting out of bed.

Just like that I went from about to having things in my life starting to work out and being ready to burst with joy and share as much of it as as she needed with a real friend to having it all taken from me by her because she was only pretending to be a friend while helping someone else destroy my life.

I’m tired of trying to build something only to have everything I fought to accomplish taken.

I’m just tired.

11 Days to Homelessness

I have 11 days until I’m homeless. On Dec 4 I will be homeless, living in my car, and in trying not to freeze during the night. At this point it will take a miracle for me to avoid homelessness. With all the costs involved with getting a place I need to come up with $4000 cash in hand and there was no way to do that in the time I had when I was given the initial notice so now with only 11 days left I’m completely out of luck.

A man who’s suffering depression because of constant pain from physical issues with his lung is going to be sleeping in a car during a Pennsylvania winter. That’s what I have to look forward to. I’ve come close to giving up in the past but always had multiple reasons to keep fighting. This time I have only one and that’s all dependent on someone else’s good will. I’ve learned just how far I can trust good will and being as the person whose good will I’ve been dependent on knows I have nowhere else to go, knows about my medical issues, knows how nasty winters are here, and doesn’t care that I’m going to be sleeping in my car trusting good will doesn’t go very far at all. I’m expecting that for a month or two the good will I’ll be depending on again will be secure but after that who knows. At this point the only hope I truly have, donations from anonymous people, has yielded no results even though almost 400 people have seen the plea for help. I guess a brand new 50″ TV with blue ray player and surround sound in their nice warm home will make them feel better about who they are than knowing they helped someone avoid freezing to death in their car.

That’s the state of our society I guess. More than once in my life I’ve bent over backwards to help people when they were in need. More often than not I was barely keeping my own head above water and knew I’d be putting my own stability at risk by helping them, but I did it anyway. Whether they were friends or just someone I knew from seeing them around if I could help them out I did. Now, as usual, when I’m the one that needs help I’m once again left out in the cold. In this instance it’s literally out in the cold.

Lost, Alone, and Afraid

I’m so tired of crying. Between the depression my constant pain causes and the stress of being evicted and possibly losing my Babies all I want to do is cry. It got so bad tonight that even though it was raining I literally ran out the door hoping that a walk around the block would get me under control and instead I was in tears before I even got down the front steps. I didn’t even stop to grab a coat. I spent almost an hour walking around in rain that alternated from steady to pouring and even at it’s worst the rain couldn’t hide my tears. Needless to say I was soaked to the skin and shivering by the time I came home.

I’m tired of it. It’s just too much to handle. I’m scared out of my mind about the immediate future and what it holds for my little family. We have nowhere to go, I have leads on jobs but I’ve had leads before and still don’t have a job. I don’t have enough coming in from unemployment to get or keep a place. I have nothing in the bank towards getting a place because I needed to spend it getting my car fixed so it would pass inspection. I need $4000 to be able to get into a place and haven’t been able to come up with any of it because every job I’ve found has been both low paying and ended up being short term and even begging hasn’t worked.

I’m not close to family, have no close friends in the area, there’s nobody to turn to for help. I’m going to be homeless. My Babies will be homeless. A corner of a basement would work for them, I could build an enclosure with a $30 roll of wire fencing if I had to. As long as they have a warm place to sleep where I can get them from when I’m back on my feet I can be homeless without a problem.

I’ve always known that no matter what life threw at me I’d be ok, but not now. Now, without knowing what’s going to happen to my girls I just don’t know. They’re the center of my universe and without them there’s nothing to hold my world together.

I’m lost. I don’t konw what to do.

A Small Light in the Dark

I think my interview went good, I’ll find out tomorrow when the temp service calls. If it did, orientation will be Friday at 8am and I’ll be training on shift, hopefully 3rd, starting on Monday. I’m hoping I get this, I need a job and the pay from this one will be enough to keep a roof over my head once I actually find one. I’m still not going to have that money together in time without help so I’ll most likely be sleeping in my car for a bit but on 3rd that means during the day when it’s a little warmer. The hardest part will be my cats, I still haven’t found anyone that can take them in for me and I can’t lose them. They’re all I have in my life and without them I just don’t have a reason to keep fighting but my car is a 4 door Saturn which isn’t very much space for me and my Babies.

As it stands, even if I get this job I’ll be homeless in a month so my life and the future are still looking bleak. My health hasn’t gotten any better and it’s already more painful to breath because of the cold air. I’m spending more time trying to keep depression from overwhelming me. My anxiety issues have me on the verge of losing it almost daily. Everything is a mess and the one little light I have in my life is only going to be a small help.

Cold Nights and Nightmares

Almost 24 hours without power. The house was dark, cold, and damp. My back was killing me, and it will be worse now that there’s heat. I spent most of last night walking the neighborhood in the rain and wind. With nothing to distract me my thoughts kept going down very dark paths and I needed to do something to keep together. Walking the streets alone in the storm didn’t really help with that though, it made it worse in some ways.

Cold and wet with wind pulling my coat just drove it home how alone I was. At one point I was sitting on the steps of some building with the rain washing the tears from my face. I’m just so tired of it all. Not having a steady job, not being able to support myself, constant pain, facing eviction, not knowing where I’m going to go, it’s just all too much. I wish I could just go to sleep, wake up, and have this all be just a nightmare.

My Life in Under 10 Minutes – Updated

Breathe in, knife in. Breathe out, knife out. For 3 1/2 years that’s been my life. Every breath, every day. Air leaking into my chest puts pressure on things that shouldn’t have pressure on them leaving me with knives stuck in in the center of my back, between my shoulder blades, and left of center in my chest. I used to sleep to get away from it, I’d have 6-8 hours pain free and that gave me strength, but early last year it started showing up in my dreams and by May it was in every dream every night. For over a year and a half now I haven’t been able to get away from it for long, and in recent months not at all. The depression and fear I live with because of this is getting a tighter grip on me because I just can’t fight it anymore.

Over a year and a half of not being able to escape from pain. Over a year and a half of not being able to get a good nights sleep. It’s been taking it’s toll on me. Late last summer I started losing words. Last Octobeer a waitress asked me what I want to drink, I’d drew a blank and after staring at her for 30 seconds I ordered “hot, black, in the silver thing” because even though I drink it everyday the words coffee and urn were gone. I’m too tired to think straight, body and mind are just too drained. I can’t even come up with “physically and mentally exhausted” half the time because they’re gone too. I’m afraid to try to talk to anyone because the only time my brain works right is when I’m pissed, the rest of the time I can’t trust anything I might try to say to come out right. Even blogging is an effort, I read, reread, and then repeat a couple times and often end up just posting and hoping for the best because I can’t concentrate enough to tell if I made any sense.

I look to the future and see more of the same. The problem that causes the pain isn’t going to go away on it’s own so I’ll live with that till I die, the only alternative is it gets worse. I see no possibility of a good nights sleep so I’ll keep being drained. My brain will keep losing words. I’ll continue to be unable to even order a cup of coffee right. Not a future worth looking forward too.

I used to be able to put on a show of being OK, I could push the pain and everything else far enough away to get a forced smile on my face and keep from pulling my arm against my side, to ignore the additional stabs in my side, back, and chest. I paid for it later because the pain was worse when it came back, but for a little while I could look like there was nothing wrong and keep a friend from worrying abut me. Not anymore though. It’s been months since I could keep that mask on for more than an hour and even that is more than I can handle. Putting on the mask means when it falls off I fall apart. I end up curled up in a ball crying and can’t stop. I fight against that everyday and most of the time I win but not always and putting on the “I’m OK” show means I will lose everytime.

That’s my life. Pain, exhaustion, depression, fighting for control, and looking to a future that has nothing else in it. If it wasn’t for my Baby Kitties I’d just give up, find a hole and crawl in it. Even they’ll leave me. One left right after the pain started, the rest will leave one by one until they’re all gone. Eventually I won’t even have them. They’re all I have now, and when they’re gone I’ll have nothing worth having. I took some comfort from the thought that it would be a dozen years or so till that happens, but now I may have to find them a new Daddy or Mommy because i may not even have a place for myself to sleep much longer. They’re all I have, without them I’d be completely lost, and I may lose them sooner than I should.

Original post

Empty House, Empty Life

I’ve been feeling really lonely all week. I just can’t shake the feeling that nobody cares and I’m alone in the world. I keep telling myself that’s not how it is but it doesn’t help. I know it’s just depression doing it and I know the depression’s mostly from my health issues but even knowing that doesn’t help.

I got home from work yesterday and just barely got through the door before tears were rolling down my cheeks for no reason other than I felt completely isolated. Walking into a house that’s empty except for the animals and knowing I’ll be alone here all day just like I am everyday just got to me. When I finally went to bed I only slept for about 3 hours and woke up with my cats licking the tears in my eyes and cuddling closer than normal. They wanted to help their Daddy and even though I know they love me that just made me feel worse. Having nobody but cats to be there for me just hammered home how isolated I am. Several times yesterday i had tears in my eyes and had to fight them back. Spending as much time alone as I do is getting to me but I don’t have any friends I’m close enough to to spend time with and honestly don’t have anything in common with most of the people I call friends to give us a reason to hang out. I’d end up just going through the motions, idle conversation with no meaning with someone I call a friend just for the sake of not being alone, and that won’t help.

I know I have someone I can talk to, she let me cry all over her phone about a couple things already and told me if I needed to talk she’d be there for me but I don’t want to dump my problems on her like that. We didn’t see each other for 15+ years, talked a little online and had a few conversations by text and somehow I ended up telling her things I’d kept from everyone for 3 1/2 years on one subject and for more years than I know on another without even thinking about it. She has a busy life though, she’s close to her family, has friends she goes away with on vacations, children that she’s totally dedicated to, so I won’t ask her for more than just getting together for a meal so I can thank her properly instead of just in a text for being there, and if she’s willing, to go to dinner with me for my birthday so I don’t have to be alone when I try to cheer myself up again. That didn’t work out for me the last 2 years and I expect it won’t this year either. So there’s one person I can talk to and because I don’t want to be a burden in her life I won’t talk to her like I need to. Once again I’m going to put someone I care about before myself to my own detriment.

I’m generally OK during the day, its at night that I have a problem. Even if I try to sleep it doesn’t work. I’d kill to have somene talk to me while I fall asleep, to know I’m not completely alone, to know if I cry in my sleep or wake up with tears spilling down my cheeks someone who cares will be there holding me and whispering those stupid, meaningless things you say to calm someone who’s upset. I don’t know that I’ll ever have that again.

My life is empty. I have my Baby Kitties, a dead end job I’m trying to leave, family I’ve never been close to, friends who aren’t really except in name, and I live in someone else’s empty house. No wonder I feel so alone, I am.