I Failed Them

January of 2009 I suffered a collapsed lung. One of my Baby Kitties, Optimus Prime, stayed by my side for the four days it took after the lung ruptured for me to finally go to the hospital because I couldn’t breath. When I came home from the hospital He didn’t leave my side for the next two weeks. One month to the day after my lung tore and collapsed Optimus left for the Rainbow Bridge.

In taking care of me He’d given me all His love and life to make sure I could take care of His MommyCat, Litter Sissies, and Big Sissies without keeping any for Himself. His life, which should have been 15-18 years, was cut short at less than two. I made my Opty a promise, and have resworn that vow many times in the five years since. I promised Him I would keep His family together and give the rest of my Babies the life they, and He, deserve.

I failed.

We’ve been staying with friends since losing my apartment in September due to the building being condemned as a result of the landlord not paying the water bill. My Babies stay in the basement because of the dogs in the house. I’ve been working a new job since February. The shifts are 10 hours, it’s in a refrigerated warehouse that’s mostly freezer, between the complications from the collapsed lung and the issues from the curve in my spine I’m in constant pain and always tired. Everyday when I get up I spend some time with my Babies talking to them and giving pets and scratches to whichever of them decide they want some love. I do the same when I get in from work in the morning.

Everyday I see them. Everyday I pet them. Everyday I have at least one of them in my lap, usually at least three. Everyday I failed to notice a problem.

When the dogs go out in the yard they sometimes bring in more than they left with. The friends providing us housing have a bag of diatomaceous earth in the basement because it happens every year. The dogs have been thumping the floors constantly for the last couple weeks and I didn’t notice. My cats have been less clustered and more “loner” for the last couple weeks and I chalked it up to them being in an antisocial mood. I’ve been getting bitten up and just assumed it was mosquitoes at work on break and lunch. I didn’t see the problem when it would have mattered.

Friday, May 30, Calicat Jackie was laying near the basement sink instead of in the box of magazines She’d claimed for Herself and I noticed Her back legs and tail were all matted and dirty. The furnace/AC has a drain pipe for the water that condenses in it when the AC is on but the cats keep knocking it away from the drain so it creates a puddle. I assumed She had been laying in the puddle and then got into something that got Her legs all dirty. I brought Her upstairs in the carrier to give Her a bath and while bathing Her I started seeing blood in the water. It was coming from around Her belly and the water draining off of Her neck and head. That’s when I saw the scratches from Her claws. I also saw the cause.

Fleas. That’s why the cats are keeping to themselves. They’re all uncomfortable, getting bitten up, and being predators they’re avoiding each other to not have their “weakness” taken advantage of.

The dogs brought fleas in from the yard, they’ve been spreading through the house, and my cats have them. I bathed Her multiple times to get as many of them off as I could, got Her dried off and even though I didn’t like doing it I took Her back to the basement in the carrier. I opened the door and left it like that so She could hide in there if She wanted and promised Her I’d make it all better when I got home from work.

After work I went to Walmart and got flea shampoo, spray for on the cats, and spray for furniture to kill the fleas. As soon as I got home I went downstairs to get Calicat and bathe Her first. She was still in the carrier, Her fur was still a mess from being towel dried, and when I called Her name and tapped on the side of the box She didn’t respond.

I was too late. Calicat had gone to the Bridge to join Her Brofur Optimus.

I lost it. I closed up the carrier and ran up the stairs to take it outside then went back down to look for the rest of my Babies. I got them all sprayed with the on body flea spray, got it rubbed in, then went back up and out to the yard to Calicat. I took the top off the carrier and when I shined a light on Her I could see the fleas leaving. The vile things killed Her and were trying to leave to find a new victim.

I lost it again. I got the can of furniture spray and used it. I wasn’t going to let those things just leave and go on with their lives. That wasn’t the end of it. I just couldn’t leave Her like that. The thought of those things on Her body was too much. I closed up the carrier and took her up to the bathroom to bathe her again. I had to get them off Her. I had to. The spray hadn’t been enough and there were some still alive. The flea shampoo took care of that. Those vile parasites were not going to infect another creature and they were not going to have my Baby as a cemetery.

I talked to her and cried the entire time. After I dried Her off I brushed Her fur flat with my hand, continued talking to Her, and finally wrapped Her up in the towel I use to dry my hair, the DaddyFur as I called it with them because they always groomed it after my showers when we had our own place and they could lay with me. Calicat always fixed my goatee for me, that was Hers alone. Now She’s gone because I didn’t see what I should have and the best I could do is to wrap Her in my towel before placing Her in a bag and putting her on the back porch until I can call the vet about cremation.

Wednesday, June 11th I went downstairs to get my Babies and take then to the bathroom for another round of flea baths and I found Lynx. She’d joined Her Litter Sissy at the Bridge with Opty.

I lost it again. I tended to Her, I killed those vile creatures, I cleaned them off of Her, and then I wrapped Her in a towel and dried Her off for the last time. She’d lay on my pillow curled around my head as I slept, curl up beside my chest when I stretched out to read, and lick my forehead and cheeks while purring when I wasn’t feeling good.

Two weeks, two Babies.

I failed Them.
I failed Calicat.
I failed Lynx
I failed Optimus.
I failed all my Babies.

She was suffering the pain of those bites and of scratching Herself open and I failed to see my Babies needed me. They took care of me when I needed it, but I failed to take care of them.
I deserve the pain I live in.

I’m Tired

I’m tired. 

I’m tired of being in pain all the time.  I’m tired of not being able to sleep.  I’m tired of troubled dreams.  I’m tired of the constnt pain of my waking life being in all my dreams. 

I’m tired of people.  I’m tired of games being played.  I’m tired of learning what I was told was nothing but lies.  I’m tired of false friends.  I’m tired of false hope. 

I’m just tired.

My Baby Kitties give me a reason to keep going for now.  Over the next ten or so years even they’ll leave me one by one until even they’re gone.  I already lost one, February 23 will be four years since Optimus left us.  He deserved far more than the two years He was given.  They all deserve more years than they’ll be given.  I’ll make them the best years I can.

After that though I don’t know.  I’ll still be in pain, possibly worse than now.  I’ll have fewer friends than I do now, if I even have any.  My life will have no purpose.  I could bring more Baby Kitties into it but that would just be creating an artificial purpose just to have one and would only force me to continue living with things I’m tired of living with now. 

I just don’t know anymore. Things weren’t great but they were OK. I was working a job I loved, i had a place i could go to find my Nanny, a way to manage what’s wrong with me, a friend who just understood me and made me feel better about who I am, so things were OK. Then it was all taken. I walked in the door so full of life I was going to explode and no more than fifteen minutes later I left with tears already on my cheeks. The friend was gone. The way to manage what’s broken was gone. The last place I could find Nanny was gone. The job became just a paycheck that requred getting out of bed.

Just like that I went from about to having things in my life starting to work out and being ready to burst with joy and share as much of it as as she needed with a real friend to having it all taken from me by her because she was only pretending to be a friend while helping someone else destroy my life.

I’m tired of trying to build something only to have everything I fought to accomplish taken.

I’m just tired.

Eviction Proceedings Beginning and Swallowing My Pride

Donations to help prevent homelessness

Got served with the eviction hearing notice today, Nov 23 at 2:45pm. Assuming the district justice rules in his favor and grants the eviction, which is how DJ’s normally rule, I’ll be given 10 days to vacate. If I’m not out at the end of that 10 days the ‘landlord’ can file an order of posession which will give me another 10 days to vacate. After that I would legally be trespassing and could be removed by the police. So barring a miracle I’ll be sleeping in my car with 5 or 6 cats on December 3.

At this point I’m forced to accept that I can’t do this on my own and swallowing my pride so I’m taking a suggestion I was given some time ago and seeking donations. The link above will take you to My Go Fund Me Page.

We have been living with a friend, but thanks to a relationship he is now in he has decided to begin eviction proceedings. At this time I expect to be forced to leave the premises approximately December 3, 2012. Due to a combination of lack of work due to the economy and complications from a collapsed lung I suffered almost 4 years ago I have been unable to find stable work and have been taking whatever temporary positions come along to try to get money together to get us a place to live. I am still seeking permanent employment and accepting any temporary employment that I can find but am running out of time.

I have 5 cats; Lilly, the mother of the other 4, Calicat Jackie and Lynx from her first litter, and Paradox and Ninjai from her second litter. They are more than just cats to me, they are family. They greet me each morning with face rubs, come running for pets and cuddles when I come home, and curl up with me at night. They love unconditionally and ask only that I love them in return. My Babies are the greatest source of support in dealing with the depression that results from my medical issues, they give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning rather than simply laying there and sleeping.

We live in Pennsylvania, winters are harsh and if we do not find a place to live we will be sleeping in either my car or an unheated storage unit. I know I can survive that but my car is small which would require the cats to be caged in small carriers preventing them from curling together for warmth and would likely not handle the cold well. If I cannot find someone to take them in for me I will most likely lose them and if that happens then I’ve lost everything.

Please help me take care of my Baby Kitties with whatever you can afford. Security deposits for housing and utilities are high in my area and I will need to get the cats spayed both for their health and for anyone to be willing to rent to me which will be expensive as I’ve already lost one to a congenital defect and must have the others tested for that before they are put under to ensure there will be no complications from the anesthetic. I will also need to have something left to cover rent and utilities for a few months to buy more time to find stable work.

Never finished this one – Started July 27

My chest problems haven’t gone away, its getting worse. But that’s not why I’m writing.

Lynx has been laying up on the dresser when I go to bed lately. She lays there, front paws curled under, head and ears up, eyes slitted and wathcing the room.
When I lay down in the bed Calicat lays on my stomach with her head on my chest or by my side pressed against me purring away.
At the desk Paradox is in my lap, laying there purring or sitting pressed against my chest.
Ninjai tries to follow me into the bathroom everytime I go in like she doesn’t want me out of her sight.
Lilly lays by my feet under the desk and in the bed keeping the other cats from attacking them and using them for pillows.

Those used to be Optimus’ jobs. He’d watch over us at night when we went to bed before joining us. He stayed by my side in bed and in my lap at the desk purring away trying to heal my chest. He followed me to the bathroom to keep an eye on me and make sure I was ok. He layed by my feet and kept the others from attacking them when I was healthy. Those were His jobs. He decided to watch over us at night so I could sleep and make sure my toes weren’t stalked, and take care of me when my lung collapsed.

I miss Him. I miss Him so much. It’s over 5 months and I still think about Him everyday, I still call for Him. I still accidentally call my other Babies by His name when they do something that reminds me of Him. I still expect Him to be there giving me morning rubbies and ready for brekky bellies when I wake up. I go to bed, tell my Babies its beddy times and then pause expecting night night rubbies from Him. I turn on the faucet to get water for coffee and still expect HIm to try playing with the water.

Six Kookies

Six cookies, that’s whats left in the jar. They’re kitty cookies, Whisker Lickin’s. My Babies love them, When I grab the jar and they hear the cookies rattling around inside they come running, they know that sound. Everytime I give them some they get three each. They all push and shove to get their cookies, trying to be the first and then trying to sneak an extra however they can. All excpet for Optimus, He always waited till the others had their cookies to walk past them and get His. He knew he wouldn’t be skipped, and He also knew that by waiting He’d get special scratches and pets while He nommed His cookies.

I’ve given the Babies cookies twice since I lost Him. Each time I poured them into my hand, counted to make sure I had enough for all of them, gave them their cookies, then called Opty to give Him the last three in my hand. I’d counted out 18 cookies, enough for all six of my Babies, but I only have five babies now. I never even thought about it, I just got the cookies out and started giving them to my Babies and when I’d given out all but three I called Opty. When I realized what I did the tears started rolling.

They started rolling today too. I grabbed the jar to give them some cookies and there were only six left in it. They’re Opty’s cookies, more precisely they’re the six cookies I had left between the two times I’ve given Babies cookies since I lost Him. I know He wouldn’t mind if I gave them to His Sissies and Mommy, but 6 cookies, 5 cats, there’s no way to give them out evenly and unless there’s some special circumstance, like when Opty got neutered or when Ninjai had a bladder infection, I give them out evenly.

Even if there was only 5, they’re my Baby Boy’s cookies, so He has them. I taped the lid on the jar and put it in His box. I know it’s not the same as giving them to Him, but they’re His so He should have them and that’s the only way to give them to Him. I wish He was still here, I miss Him so much and His Sissies and Mom still look for Him when they’re playing so I know they miss Him too. We all miss Him.

Oh, you’re a Transformer now? You think you’re Optimus Prime or something?"

“Oh, you’re a Transformer now?  You think you’re Optimus Prime or something?”

Thats what I said when He was 10 1/2 weeks old.  Until then, everyone including me thought He was a girl, but at 10 1/2 weeks He rolled over, kicked His legs apart, and there He was in all His boyish glory.  And so He was named.

Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots, hero of the Cybertronian wars, the greatest Autobot that ever was, and my favorite Transformer ever since I was a kid.  Yeah there were other cool Transformers.  Shockwave and Blaster who transformed into boom boxes and had mini casette Transformers inside them.  The constructicons who joined to form Devastator, they were the first Transformers who could do that, but not the last.  Omega Supreme, the Titan who became an interstellar rocket, had lived since before the wars began, and had a sadness to him that tugged at the heartstrings of even a young child.  Then there were the dinobots, the strongest of the Transformers, but also always the youngest in mannerisms.

But none of them could compare to Optimus Prime.  How could they?  He was the epitome of everything good in life.  He stood for the forces of all that was good and right in the face of even the greatest evil.  He never lost hope, even in the face of a seemingly unbeatable foe.  He deplored violence, always seeing himself not as a warrior but as a leader who did what he had to to defend the innocent and defenseless, taking life only when he had no other option.  He always sought peace in the midst of any conflict.  He would do everything in his power to prevent others from being harmed, even if it meant retreating and allowing the Decepticons to win a battle.  He always chose the lives of others over victory in battle.  He would risk his own life to save any of his Autobots, any human, and even at times to save Decepticons.  He put others before himself, right up to the end.  In his final battle with Megatron, the leader of the Decepticons, he had the chance to destroy his enemy once and for all and end the war and killing forever.  All he had to do was sacrifice one of his own who Megatron was holding as a shield.  Instead he sacrificed his own life to save Hot Rod, it was his way.

Others before himself.  All life was important to him.  It was his way, it was who he was.  He was Optimus Prime.

Why am I talking about a childrens cartoon?  I’m watching the original Transformers movie right now.  Normally I watch it to remember my childhood.  I always have tears just behind my eyes when Megatron kills Optimus Prime, just like I did as a child.  A few tears always roll down my cheeks when the light goes out of his eyes after passing the Matrix to Ultra Magnus.  For 90 minutes I feel just like I did as a kid.  I’m a child again, living in a simpler time and a simpler world.  Saturday morning cartoons are the same.    But today that’s not why I’m watching the movie, and its not why I was watching cartoons Saturday morning like I usually do.

I’m watching the movie for my Baby Boy.  I was up on Saturday morning watching cartoons for Him as well.  He loved cartoons.  He’d hop up in front of the TV and sit with His nose inches from the screen watching the characters as they moved across it.  Periodically He’d put his paw up on the screen and try to touch them.  The other cats didn’t bother with the TV unless there were birds on, they’d just lay on the bed with me while I watched them, but Optimus just loved His cartoons.  I’d often have cartoons on that had no interest for me, things that have been on since I was a kid but which I’d never watched, new ones that I probably wouldn’t have.  But Optimus loved them.  Children may keep their eyes on George, but my Opty only had eyes for The Man with the Yellow Hat.  The brightly colored dragons of Dragon Tales mesmerized him.  He’d chase the silly bird thing of Cyber Chase back and forth across the screen, reaching out to grab it.  Anytime I went out, I checked the TV listings to find a channel that had cartoons on for as much of the time I’d be gone as possible and put it on for Him.  When I was working, If I had to do overtime on Saturdays, I left the TV on so He could watch the cartoons when they came on.  He enjoyed them so much, how could I not let Him watch them?  I know He missed me, He was always the first to greet me when I came home, and I know that having the cartoons helped Him not miss me so much while I was out.

He was so curious, and so intelligent.  When I’d watch the Transformers movie, He knew who He was named after, of course, that might be because I always pointed Prime out to Him and told Him “this is who You’re named after”.  He’d be sitting there watching it, and when the light left Prime’s eyes, he’d lay down.  I thought it was just coincedence the first time, but he did it every time.  Maybe He sensed my sadness, its more than possible, but there’s a part of me that can’t believe He was simply picking up on my nostalgic feelings.  A part of me knows that He knew what had happened, and that laying down was His way of honoring His namesake.

He was Optimus Prime, named for the greatest Autobot that ever was, and He shared so many of his traits.

His Sissies and Mom would pick on Him, they’d beat Him up and He let them.  He was bigger than all of them, He could have swatted them down easily, but other than playful wrestling, He never did.  He wouldn’t pick on them, His eyes showed that He knew it was wrong to hit someone smaller than Him even if they were hitting him.  He’d just run off and leave them be.  He was there for all of us when we were sick.  It didn’t matter what it was, if one of us wasn’t feeling good He was there with us instead of playing or exploring.  He gave of Himself completely with no reservations at all.  His name fit Him perfectly.  The great Autobot leader would have been proud to know that Optimus Prime lived up to His name.

But the Autobots had something we don’t.  They had Ultra Magnus to be there for them until Hot Rod rose up and became Rodimus Prime.  We have no Ultra Magnus.  We have no Hot Rod.  We still need our Optimus Prime.  But we have only memories of Him.

In a way, I envy the rest of my Babies.  In time, His scent will fade until there’s nothing left of him except in the items I’ve saved in bags.  When His scent is gone, His Sissies and Mom will start to forget Him, at least consciously.  In time, they’ll have only vague recollections that there was another cat here, if that.  They’ll still go through the motions of games they played because its habit, but with little or no understanding of why they do it.  They may leave a spot open at their dinner plates, but with no idea why other than that they always have.  He’ll become nothing more than a series of habits that have no meaning to them.  They’ll spend the rest of their lives in blisfull ignorance of what they lost, they’ll no longer feel that loss.  They’ll be free of their grief, and they deserve that.  They deserve to not have to feel the stabs of pain the little things will cause.

But I also feel sorry for them.  Once His scent fades and they forget him they’ll no longer have the memories of the joy He brought.  They won’t remember being curled up in a warm mass as they lay blindly suckling as infants.  They won’t remember the feel of His warm body pressed against theirs as they lay together while their mother napped separately for a bit.  They’ll have no memory of teasing Him with their tails before pouncing him and rolling around on the floor.  They won’t remember Him grooming them when they didn’t feel good.  Warm naps together under the blankets will be forgotten, as will running around the apartment chasing each other back and forth.  They’ll be denied the joys and happiness that those memories bring, but they deserve to have that.  They deserve to forever remember the love they shared with Him.

Blah

It’s been a while since I blogged, and there’s a reason for that, nothing really worth blogging about. Guess its time I updated things anyway.

Im still at the same low paying, dead end, drive to work hoping to find the place engulfed in flames job. Can you tell I don’t like the place?
I reopened my genealogy forum, but havent posted anything there at all. Honestly I just don’t care enough to bother.
Setup another Linux box, Debian 3.1 (Sarge) and got it setup to be an IRC server so I can provide chat for a friends forum site (Nomad Forums). I don’t expect much traffic on it, but its there if anyone wants to use it. You can log into it Here or Here. If you have an IRC client (MIrc, BitchX, Xchat, etc) the servers at kalish-nikova.kicks-ass.org on ports 6666-6669.

Other than that, its same shit diff day. Work, sit home, sleep, repeat.

Well, i don’t exactly just sit home, i got 6 kitties here, so i get plenty of entertainment and lots of kitteny love. Right now, Paradox is running around in circles chasing her tail. She’s been at it for at least ten minutes, including the couple times she fell over because she made herself dizzy with all that spinning. Yes, my cats are nuts. What do you expect, they’re my cats.

I Miss the Baby

One of the kittens is gone, I just got back from taking her to her new home about 30 mins ago. I miss her, i want her back. She’s the most adorable thing (sorry other babies, but she is) and i miss her already. I dont want to get rid of any of them, but theres one more thats semi-promised to someone, but ‘on hold’ so to speak. maybe she’ll change her mind, i hope so. I want to keep them all and keep being surrounded by kitteny love.