I Failed Them

January of 2009 I suffered a collapsed lung. One of my Baby Kitties, Optimus Prime, stayed by my side for the four days it took after the lung ruptured for me to finally go to the hospital because I couldn’t breath. When I came home from the hospital He didn’t leave my side for the next two weeks. One month to the day after my lung tore and collapsed Optimus left for the Rainbow Bridge.

In taking care of me He’d given me all His love and life to make sure I could take care of His MommyCat, Litter Sissies, and Big Sissies without keeping any for Himself. His life, which should have been 15-18 years, was cut short at less than two. I made my Opty a promise, and have resworn that vow many times in the five years since. I promised Him I would keep His family together and give the rest of my Babies the life they, and He, deserve.

I failed.

We’ve been staying with friends since losing my apartment in September due to the building being condemned as a result of the landlord not paying the water bill. My Babies stay in the basement because of the dogs in the house. I’ve been working a new job since February. The shifts are 10 hours, it’s in a refrigerated warehouse that’s mostly freezer, between the complications from the collapsed lung and the issues from the curve in my spine I’m in constant pain and always tired. Everyday when I get up I spend some time with my Babies talking to them and giving pets and scratches to whichever of them decide they want some love. I do the same when I get in from work in the morning.

Everyday I see them. Everyday I pet them. Everyday I have at least one of them in my lap, usually at least three. Everyday I failed to notice a problem.

When the dogs go out in the yard they sometimes bring in more than they left with. The friends providing us housing have a bag of diatomaceous earth in the basement because it happens every year. The dogs have been thumping the floors constantly for the last couple weeks and I didn’t notice. My cats have been less clustered and more “loner” for the last couple weeks and I chalked it up to them being in an antisocial mood. I’ve been getting bitten up and just assumed it was mosquitoes at work on break and lunch. I didn’t see the problem when it would have mattered.

Friday, May 30, Calicat Jackie was laying near the basement sink instead of in the box of magazines She’d claimed for Herself and I noticed Her back legs and tail were all matted and dirty. The furnace/AC has a drain pipe for the water that condenses in it when the AC is on but the cats keep knocking it away from the drain so it creates a puddle. I assumed She had been laying in the puddle and then got into something that got Her legs all dirty. I brought Her upstairs in the carrier to give Her a bath and while bathing Her I started seeing blood in the water. It was coming from around Her belly and the water draining off of Her neck and head. That’s when I saw the scratches from Her claws. I also saw the cause.

Fleas. That’s why the cats are keeping to themselves. They’re all uncomfortable, getting bitten up, and being predators they’re avoiding each other to not have their “weakness” taken advantage of.

The dogs brought fleas in from the yard, they’ve been spreading through the house, and my cats have them. I bathed Her multiple times to get as many of them off as I could, got Her dried off and even though I didn’t like doing it I took Her back to the basement in the carrier. I opened the door and left it like that so She could hide in there if She wanted and promised Her I’d make it all better when I got home from work.

After work I went to Walmart and got flea shampoo, spray for on the cats, and spray for furniture to kill the fleas. As soon as I got home I went downstairs to get Calicat and bathe Her first. She was still in the carrier, Her fur was still a mess from being towel dried, and when I called Her name and tapped on the side of the box She didn’t respond.

I was too late. Calicat had gone to the Bridge to join Her Brofur Optimus.

I lost it. I closed up the carrier and ran up the stairs to take it outside then went back down to look for the rest of my Babies. I got them all sprayed with the on body flea spray, got it rubbed in, then went back up and out to the yard to Calicat. I took the top off the carrier and when I shined a light on Her I could see the fleas leaving. The vile things killed Her and were trying to leave to find a new victim.

I lost it again. I got the can of furniture spray and used it. I wasn’t going to let those things just leave and go on with their lives. That wasn’t the end of it. I just couldn’t leave Her like that. The thought of those things on Her body was too much. I closed up the carrier and took her up to the bathroom to bathe her again. I had to get them off Her. I had to. The spray hadn’t been enough and there were some still alive. The flea shampoo took care of that. Those vile parasites were not going to infect another creature and they were not going to have my Baby as a cemetery.

I talked to her and cried the entire time. After I dried Her off I brushed Her fur flat with my hand, continued talking to Her, and finally wrapped Her up in the towel I use to dry my hair, the DaddyFur as I called it with them because they always groomed it after my showers when we had our own place and they could lay with me. Calicat always fixed my goatee for me, that was Hers alone. Now She’s gone because I didn’t see what I should have and the best I could do is to wrap Her in my towel before placing Her in a bag and putting her on the back porch until I can call the vet about cremation.

Wednesday, June 11th I went downstairs to get my Babies and take then to the bathroom for another round of flea baths and I found Lynx. She’d joined Her Litter Sissy at the Bridge with Opty.

I lost it again. I tended to Her, I killed those vile creatures, I cleaned them off of Her, and then I wrapped Her in a towel and dried Her off for the last time. She’d lay on my pillow curled around my head as I slept, curl up beside my chest when I stretched out to read, and lick my forehead and cheeks while purring when I wasn’t feeling good.

Two weeks, two Babies.

I failed Them.
I failed Calicat.
I failed Lynx
I failed Optimus.
I failed all my Babies.

She was suffering the pain of those bites and of scratching Herself open and I failed to see my Babies needed me. They took care of me when I needed it, but I failed to take care of them.
I deserve the pain I live in.

WoodZen

I’m starting a new job. I’ll be doing woodworking again. So what does that mean for me?

It means industrial machinery with sharp blades spinning at several thousand RPM’s. It means mechanical, pneumatic, and hydraulic clamps generating hundreds to thousands of pounds of pressure. It means handheld power tools with spinning blades and bits. In short, it means losing focus for a fraction of a second could result in injuries ranging from loss of a finger to loss of life.

Sounds scary, doesn’t it? Now imagine what that means for someone who isn’t really connected to the world around him. Think of the risks to someone who has to constantly make a conscious effort to not get lost in his head from the moment he wakes until he finally falls asleep. Sounds even scarier now. Luckily, even though I’m the person you just imagined when it comes to running machines I don’t get lost in my head; instead I discover the meaning of Zen.

So what do I mean by that? While an oversimplification, Zen Buddhists seek to fully experience the world Now. Not “now,” “Now.” This instant, this single fraction of a fraction of a second, no past or future. Nothing but “Now,” repeated over and over. That’s me on a machine. What I was just doing or will be doing don’t exist, only this very instant with me and the machine in perfect harmony with each other exists.

Instead of getting lost in myself, I find myself. It’s the only time I truly feel like myself because it’s the only time I lose my connection to my perception of myself. When conscious thought is replaced with true thought; right thought; Real Thought, without the conscious mind interfering I become Me. This is when I’m whole, when I’m free. It’s when I become more than just a reflection of a what the society says I’m supposed to be and become real.

If only I could figure out how to do that all the time.

Slum Lords and Tough Times

The gas has been off since the end of May, and the electric has been off for over a week, the water is scheduled to be shut off because the landlord slumlord hasn’t paid them even though utilities are included in the rent. I’ve been taking cold showers, using an extension cord from the neighbor, and I currently have a refrigerator full of pans with water in them and a full bathtub for flushing the toilet in preparation for losing the water. Add to that a car that even though it’s fixed has an expired inspection so still can’t be driven, an empty bank account, and no job and I’m down to eating nothing but white rice and frozen vegetables as I wait for the bank to foreclose on the building and evict the tenants.

So where do I go from here? No transportation makes finding a job as good as impossible. Food won’t last long for me or the cats. Still waiting to hear from the state about my unemployment so no help from the government that gladly took tax money out of my paychecks to the tune of 27% of my income every week while I was working. Even online pleas for help have gotten me nowhere.

I need money to fix the problems in my life.
I have no money because I don’t have a job.
I need money for transportation to get a job.
I need a job to get money.
I need money to get a job.
I need a job to get money.
I need money to get a job.
Around and around that goes.

So where do I go? What do I do? How do I get the money I need to get transportation so I can get a job and earn money?

Here’s my protest

Our government punishes success taking money from those who create jobs preventing those jobs from being created and often creating a need to eliminate existing positions.
Our government is using every excuse to justify involving ourselves in another nations internal conflicts which will drive up budgetary expenses that we don’t have the money to pay for.
Our government creates over 1000 pages of new regulations and the cost of health care is driven up.
Our government creates new taxes that will effect only the lower and middle class taking money out of their pockets.
Our government stifles innovation with such severe regulatory burdens that new processes that would increase productivity and brind down the price of manufactured goods are never put into place because it would bankrupt any company trying to do so preventing job creation.
Our government panders to people who refuse to accept the reality of business and economics and sets minimum prices for food in order to “protect family businesses” doubling the cost of basic staples like milk and eggs.

After all that, our government borrows money to cover the cost of “fixing” those problems creating inflation that decreases the value of the dollar inflating prices even further and driving investors to markets outside the US because there’s no return in US markets which stifles growth of businesses preventing jobs from being created.

How do they get away with it?
Our government drives wedges between every economic, social, cultural, and ethnic class in the country keeping us at each others throats so we don’t ever see who it is that’s really screwing us.

Top income tax bracket in the US is 34.99%. According to the IRS 51% of working Americans pay 0%. Next time you proclaim that someone needs to pay their fair share make sure you’re talking about the right someone. A 10% flat tax, no exceptions, no exemptions, no deductions, no reductions, just everyone pays 10 cents on the dollar and tax revenues would double.

Protecting the people of another country from anyone, whether it’s their government or the neighboring country isn’t our job, especially when our own government is destroying our economy and our country.

Forcing people to buy products from private industry is not the way to fix the costs in another industry, it only takes money from the very people who already don’t have enough money.

Streamline regulations and start by consolidating government agencies. The Food and Drug Administration is not a part of the US Dept of Agriculture or the US Dept of Health, its part of the US Dept of Health and Human Services. Why do we have two health departments and why is the top food agency not responsible for food?

In business you either produce a product at a price that can compete with your competitors prices or you provide a better quality product that people will be willing to pay double for. If your product is no better than there’s and selling at a competitive price means you don’t make a profit then you have two choices, go under or find a way to bring down costs. Minute Maid and Clover Farms dairy are collectives, family owned farms that have joined together to get the decreased prices that come with larger bulk purchases and joint processing which brings their overhead costs down to the same as the corporations they compete with. If you want to run a business then act like it instead of demanding the government protect you from your own stupidity.

Keep this in mind on Labor Day as you protest whatever social group, economic class, business, or industry you’ve decided to condemn because you’re too lazy to do some research and learn the truth.

The Apprentice

Catch phrase from the show… “You’re Fired!!”

So I’m fired. Why am I fired you ask? It’s quite simple really.

You see, G&T Industries has a company policy that says if your doctor orders you off work, you are not permitted to come into work and must call off.
G&T Industries also has a policy that says if you get eight occurrences (what they call points) you’re fired.
G&T Industries also has a policy that if you provide a doctors note when you call off, you do not recieve a point.

BUT, and this ones a big but…

G&T Industries also has a policy of only accepting five doctors notes per year, after which you recieve an occurrence (point) for each absence.

Soooooooo

If you suffer from a chronic condition such as migraines, and are under doctors orders to call off work when you get a migraine or take the prescibed medication to treat a migraine you are obligated by company policy to call off or risk being fired for violating the policy requiring you to call off when ordered off by a doctor, yet with chronic conditions that will inevitably result in exceeding five doctors notes and thus lead to occurrences which will end with you being fired.

Interesting, isn’t it?

If you obey one policy, you will end up being fired for violating another.
If you ignore the first policy, you can be fired for it.

So where does that leave you? Fired now or fired later, thats where. It doesn’t matter what you do, you will be fired, its only a question of when.

Nothing

So here I sit, my apartment torn apart because of the collapse of walls and crashing of cabinets. I’ve got everything pulled away from the streetside wall in the kitchen and the bedroom creating a huge mess and no room to move. I thought my place was cramped before, but its really cramped now. Walls should be fixed tomorrow, new cabinets and shelves up hopefully the day after that. Then what?

I need to move. I need more space, but I have no idea how I’m going to pull that off. I need a place that allows pets, I’m not giving up my cats and thats all there is to that. I want to rent a house, but that’s looking like its not going to happen, so it means looking for an apartment thats no more than 400/month, and that’s stretching my budget unless at least one utility is included, preferably electric since heat is only needed a few months of the year and doesn’t cost much. I’d prefer a house, but that requires a roommate and theres pretty much only one person that would work with, but it looks like thats not gonna be an option.

Im working for nothing. I get my check, pay the bills, have nothing left. No money to go into savings, no money to pay past due bills, no money to even buy groceries other than ramen noodles and a couple cans of soup. I’m constantly sick from not etaing right, not getting out of debt at all, actually getting in deeper with no way to control that. If something doesn’t break for me soon I’m going to find myself with less than what I have now and I have nothing now.

I’m lost in the darkness with no light to guide me out.

1st or 2nd Shift

Had a meeting with the plant manager and my supervisor today. We’re expanding our second shift. My supervisor put my name out for Supervisor on second shift. two of the other supervisors were for it, but the plant manager put the brakes on that. It was down to me and one other guy, and the plant manager went for him because he’d only missed one day since he started and I just came off of a 90 day probation that was prompted by attendance issues. No big, I expected my attendance problems a few months ago would be a problem with advancement for a bit.

I do however have the option of jumping to second shift doing the same job I’m doing now. Four day week (Fri, Sat, Sun off) with a .35 cent shift differential. I have till friday to make a decision and I’m kind of torn.

On one hand, i’ve always been a second shifter. I hate mornings and my life isnt a dayshifters life, never has been. Theres nothing for me to do after work and I cant even really get anything done because of shit closing early.

On the other hand, I’ve gotten used to the hours and its not like this city has anything in a ngiht life that actually interests me. And im pretty much indispensible on my line. Besides cutting the PE, I handle most of the special projects, im the ‘fall back’ guy for my supervisor when hes not there, even when he is there im usually easier to find than him so the questions come to me anyway. And I have neighbors depending on me for transportation for laundry and groceries after I get done work on their days off, and under the table gig on the side in the evenings, and might have to go back to the PO in the summer part time which would have to be evenings in order to have the cash to move out of here into a house by the end of the summer.

So it looks like im probably staying days, but I have a bit of time to think.