Broken

I was born with broken and missing pieces. My brain doesn’t process information right.

When listening to people talk I hear the words but don’t understand what they are saying because there’s more to it than just the words. My brain doesn’t see the subtle clues that give the extra context to understand what they mean. Their facial expressions, vocal inflection, unusual phrasings, and other nonverbal cues don’t exist for me. I have only the words they say and the meanings the dictionary gives them. Everytime I hear someone talking I am reminded that I’m broken.

I can’t have normal conversations. I have no real interests. My brain is filled with information I’ve obtained by reading about everything I can just to know stuff in an attempt to be able to talk to people. Whenever someone tries to talk to me I have facts and figures, statistics, other peoples opinions, etc stored in my brain to recite like a parrot. I have planned responses to “normal” conversational questions like a computer. I go through the motions in an attempt to look normal. I can have a subject specific discuaaion but I can’t even manage to follow a “normal” conversation because it changes topic too much for me to process. Normal conversations sound like people are saying whatever random thing pops into their head from one second to the next and make no sense to me. When someone tries to talk to me I am reminded that I’m broken

When I’m around people I know I’m uncomfortable, with people I don’t know it’s even worse. I don’t know what’s expected of me, what I’m supposed to say or do. I don’t know how to act or what to say. I’m completely lost in social situations. If there’s more than one person I’m lost and even when it’s only one person unless they’re someone I’m completely comfortable with I’m still lost. Being around people reminds me that I’m broken.

I can’t touch anyone. Physical contact makes my skin crawl. Something as simple as a handshake or even a fist bump leaves me wanting to peel my skin off. That most simple of human interactions, touch, is denied to me. I can’t give a a relative or friend a hug, I can’t curl up on the couch with someone and watch a movie, I can’t have a physical relationship with anyone. I haven’t been given any choice but to be alone. The fantasy of it being any different reminds me that I’m broken.

I’m not a real person. I’m a shell that pretends to be real. Even Pinocchio was more real than me but unlike him there is no Blue Fairy for me. I’ll spend my life avoiding people, and being little more than a puppet going through the motions of being a person whenever I can’t.

I’m was born broken and there is no fixing me.

Solitude

Time alone with no distractions, the the moments between turning off the lights and falling asleep, the hours when you have only your own thoughts, only yourself, is something many people fear. It is a time when many people feel alone. It is a time when you cannot deny the truth of who you are and if that truth is unpleasant, it is a time when loneliness sets in.

Many people go about their life seeking distraction. Whether it’s hours spent in front of the television, immersion in online games, jumping from one relationship to another and losing themselves in them, or any of the hundreds of other external sources of focus they all serve a single purpose; to keep their thoughts focused on something other than themselves. Those people need to avoid being alone with themselves because they do not like who they are. They know they are not the person they want to be and rather than changing who they are they seek distractions from it. They live a lie because it is easier than facing the truth. They are the people who know what loneliness truly is because they do not have even themselves as friends and in the dark of night they cannot hide from themselves.

I am not one of them.

Over the last two years I have have very little time with only myself, only while laying in bed at night have I had the opportunity to spend time with me and even then I had worries outside of myself that occupied my mind. There was someone I cared about who needed me, my days were spent being there for her, and at night I worried about her as I worked through all the variables in her life seeking a way for things to be put right for her. She no longer has a need for me, and so over the last two months I have had the opportunity to spend time with me not only at night but throughout the day on a daily basis. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed that time.

I spend my days physically active performing tasks that allow my mind to be turned inward, that give me the luxury of time with myself. Inside my head, disconnected from the world around me, I find true reality. That which we see, what we hear, what we experience with our senses in our daily lives is only an illusion. It is a false reality created by our perception. To one who is predisposed to see the good it is a jewel that merely needs polishing while to one predisposed to see the bad it is a quagmire from which one can never escape. Even to those wear neither rose colored glasses nor a veil made of ash there is still only the limited perception allowed by ones individual experiences and knowledge. The external world is real only on the surface of the viewers mind. True reality is the truth of who we are, the truth of our own nature, and exists only in the deepest recesses of the mind.

Each of us must find our own truth, our own reality, and to do that we must put aside the external and turn our eyes in. When we cast off our illusions of the world, and of ourselves, and seek within to find the reality of our own natures we begin the journey back to ourselves. When we find who we truly are and accept that person we can begin the process of changing the illusion of who we are so that it matches the reality and when that happens we are never again alone.

I know who I am. I know my strengths. I know my weaknesses. I know my limitations. Except when I am separated from myself, I am never alone. I know the truth of me and therefore I do not know loneliness.

Heart Palpitations

Not quite palpitations. I’ve had some chest pain the last couple days, felt like a knife in the center of my chest to be exact, but it wasn’t too bad. This morning I woke up and not only was it significantly worse my chest was constricted like there was a heavy band wrapped around it and my heartbeat felt wrong, I don’t really know how to describe it other than kind of “liquidy.” Needless to say I went to the hospital and walked into the emergency room around noon. It’s 11pm now and I just got home a little bit ago.

Because of a history of weak spots on my lungs and a collapse that occurred as a result of one they suspected a tear in the lung and X-rayed my chest before attaching a bunch of leads to me. No holes in the lung but my heartbeat was irregular. Next up came smearing goo on my chest and doing an ultrasound to look at my heart. Definitely a problem. More looking with the ultrasound and they ordered up some more bloodwork. Oh boy, more needles.

On the plus side I know I’m set on vitamins for a while, they gave me several vitamin shots, made me eat a lunch they prepared, made me eat another lunch a couple hours later that came right back up, made me eat dinner a couple hours later, and made me eat a second light dinner that I barely kept down.

So why the vitamins and forcefeeding? The bloodwork showed evidence of malnutritions which isn’t exactly a surprise as I’ve only been eating one meal a day, sometimes less. The weird heartbeat was a result of the malnutrition, my body getting sustenance from the only place it can, itself and compounding the existing damage. The damage usn’t irreparable but does require eating more often and making sure it’s nutritious. I now have to be afraid that not being able to eat because of stress and financial issues, may fuck up my heart more than it already was from oral abscesses spreading through the bloodstream and the pressure the collapsed lung and subsequent leaks from my lungs.

Wimpy + Brutus = Too much for spinach?

Why is it that some people will go out of their way to avoid living up to their obligations and then act offended when someone gets upset over their actions? Worse yet, why do those people look for opportunity to act offended before anyone has said anything about their actions? I realize that the first is to try to get something for nothing at the expense of others, but the second serves only to warn people about what they are doing. Why would someone give themselves away like that? Why would someone who is trying to “get one over” on someone else be foolish enough to provide warning that could allow the person they are trying to cheat the opportunity to take action to protect themselves? Do they think that playing victim will gain them some advantage?

Is it simple stupidity? Can someone who uses people to get ahead really be that stupid as to give themselves away? Could they be so stupid as to not even be able to remember what lies they’ve told to whom so that they end up giving their lies away themselves? Could they be so stupid as to be unable to remember from one day to the next, or even one hour to the next that they had told you ABC while they are now saying 8 9 10? Can users really be that stupid?

If so, just how is it that they manage to ever cheat anyone in the first place? If these people are truly that stupid how do they not end up continually worse off for their efforts? How is it that these people even manage to get people to believe that they will “gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today?”

Preying on those who are not neurotypical would certainly account for some success, but even with the number of people who aren’t neurotypical out there it would be extremely difficult to get by on just them especially with the difficulties we generally have just managing our own lives. If you add in those who are simply desperate for human contact because of personal inadequacies you still do not have a huge pool of potential victims.

So how do they do it? How do they convince normal people that they’re a good person? How do they convince the normal people of the world that they are someone worth calling friend? How do they get others to believe they are deserving of help? How do those who use others and throw them away manage to have more than just small, momentary gains before everything crashes down on them? How is it that they are not continually living in squalor? How is it that word of what type of person they are doesn’t spread and prevent others from falling for their lies?

How is it that bad people prosper while the good stuggle?

Once more into the fog

Im feeling lost again. My life was on track, I was on the road to standing on my own feet again, I had a solid daily routine and someone I could talk to when I needed, everything was as it needed to be. Then everyhing changed. Instead of getting closer to being self sufficient I started getting further from it because I lost my job and had to use what I had in the bank to live, now it’s gone and I”m about to lose everything I have. I no longer have a routine, there’s nothing to give me any kind of stability in my daily life and there’s nobody for me to turn to.

I would say the person I thought I could talk to is moving on with their life and leaving me behind except it’s become obvious I was nothing more than a combination taxi/loan service and now that she’s found someone with an income that’s better than what I had, multiple vehicles he can lend her since she has her license back, money to buy her a brand new top of the line phone, and a house for her to live in she no longer bothers with me except when she needs someone to pick her son up. One more person who was apparently just using me until someone more useful came along.

It’s all falling apart, and at the worst possible time of year. Breathing hurts more because of the cold and for almost 2 years now I’ve been more alone than ever before. For at least a month now I’ve been fighting tears from the time I wake up until I finally fall asleep, that’s when I lose that battle. I sleep no more than 4 hours a day so I’m always exhausted.

Once again I’m lost and alone with nothing but pain and fear.  I wake up, either rinse dried tears off my cheeks or wipe tears from my eyes while fighting to get them to stop, spend the entire day fighting to keep them inside, and when I go to sleep the fight ends and they fall.

It’s too much. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be or what I’m supposed to be doing at any time of any day. I don’t know how I’m going to hold on to what little I have. I don’t know how to manage anymore or where to turn for help. I don’t know what to do.

Where have I been?

Some of you may be wondering where I’ve been, the answer is simple. I’ve been afraid. I stopped posting my thoughts here, stopped posting on my personal facebook, stopped going to the places I’ve always gone, just stopped doing anything at all because I was afraid. I’m still afraid. I only go a handful of places and even that is mostly only at need, I rarely go anywhere simply because I want to and even then I need someone I trust with me. I hang out with only two people which may become only one in the near future. I’ve stopped trying to make the dream I’ve been trying to achieve for almost 20 years real. Online and off, I’m still afraid to try to have even a small place in the world.

I need a routine to manage day to day but I’m afraid to have one. I need places I’m comfortable so I can do more than sit at home or drive around alone but I’m afraid to go to those places. I need someone I’m comfortable with so I can let down my guard and just talk but I’m afraid to trust anyone like that or let them close. I need a little bit of “normal” in my life but I’m afraid to even try.

Thanks to other peoples tantrums, attention seeking, and lies this is my life.
Thanks to being used, taken advantage of, and discarded too many times this is my life.
Thanks to being to broken and stupid to see what’s going on in front of me this is my life.
This is my life.

I’m back

After an extended fear based hiatus brought on by individuals alternately throwing temper tantrums and taking advantage of me to get attention and feel special I have decided I need to have a place to share whatever I feel a need to share and the people playing games will just have to grow up because I’m tired of being afraid to even breath.

I may be stupid but eventually I catch on.

A little over a year ago a cousin I hadn’t seen since we were kids sent me a friend request. He wasn’t really a cousin, but as much as him and his father were at my grandmothers home when I was little I thought he was family. We lost touch when he moved to his mothers as a kid, but when he moved back to his fathers house a couple months befor he moved to Virginia he sent the friend request.

We got together not long after that and while I was there I assembled the entertainment center that had left him at a loss. He was quite busy with life so we didn’t see each other much except when we ran into each other at a store in the neighborhood, which was actually fairly regular. Sadly he always had other plans on the days I was free. In fact, except when he had furniture that needed assembled, picked up from the store and assembled, or needed a ride home because he missed his bus he was always busy with other things.

The funny thing is he’d tell me he can’t get together because his ex that doesn’t let him see his son is letting him see him. When I’d run into him again a week later and ask about his day id get told it was nothing special and he’d just hung out with his girl. Asking about his son got a response of “What? Oh… Uh… Yeah….” If you don’t get to see your child you’re not going to be tripping over yourself like that.

Other times it was visiting his Dad in Virginia for the week only to have me run into him during that week and again have him tripping over himself when I asked. On a side note, I learned from another friend that he moved back into dads house because his fathers cancer had gotten worse and a couple months later dad passed away leaving the house to him and that he doesn’t have any kids. It was a little after it was a few months after his fathers death when he sent the friend request and fed me the moving story.

So today, after not having “hung out” for a couple months and not having mentioned to him that I knew the truth about his father and the non-existent son he sent me a message asking if I wanted to hang out for a bit. I told him to meet me at the store I saw him at in a couple minutes. I went, we talked a minute or two, and then he asked for the favor I knew he was looking for. He needed to pick up a pantry cabinet that he knew would fit in my car with the back seats folded down.

That’s when I let him know what I knew. Double barrel blast in the parking lot. His response to learning that I knew he’d been lying to me, using me, and taking advantage of me was “I guess I have to find someone else.” He made no effort to defend himself, no attempt at providing an excuse, nothing. That’s fine, I also informed him that I know about an issue between him and another person I know and let him know that he resolves that or a couple people he doesn’t want having his address will be given it. Failure to handle his business will not be pleasant and will have a major disruptive effect on his life for at least a year.

Yes it’s vindictive, but I’m sick of people doing this shit to me and after a lifetime of it I’m tired of waiting on Karma to handle business.

Afriad to be a part of the world

Due to a continuing issue with individuals who deceived me into believing they were friends but turned out to be using me to get attention and who still engage in activities that include but are not limited to:

• monitoring my online activities


• actively seeking out sites I’m active on


• creating fake profiles for me on various social networks and blog sites


• tracking my movements in the real world


• tracking down my friends and lying to them on and offline to try to turn them against me


• lying to people that have yet to meet me

I have been forced to disappear from the world.

This has been going on since November of 2011. For the last 2 years and 7 months I have been the victim of stalking being committed by current and former employees of a local business and their friends with full knowledge of the owner and operator of the business in the neighborhood I grew up in, have been trying to buy a home in for the last 18 years, and where I have family and friends, some of whom I’ve known since I was in kindergarden, living.

At the same time those employees have been claiming that I was stalking them. They have stated to multiple people that if they see me in the neighborhood they will call the police and tell them that I’m driving around there for no legitimate reason. I have been afraid to go see family, to see friends, or to look at homes because of this. I spent this winter, during which there were multiple record setting single digit low temperatures, wearing only a sweatshirt because I was afraid to go to the storage garage everything I own, including my winter coat, is stored in.

I’m now afraid to even have this blog so until some undetermined point in the future it will be shut down.

I Failed Them

January of 2009 I suffered a collapsed lung. One of my Baby Kitties, Optimus Prime, stayed by my side for the four days it took after the lung ruptured for me to finally go to the hospital because I couldn’t breath. When I came home from the hospital He didn’t leave my side for the next two weeks. One month to the day after my lung tore and collapsed Optimus left for the Rainbow Bridge.

In taking care of me He’d given me all His love and life to make sure I could take care of His MommyCat, Litter Sissies, and Big Sissies without keeping any for Himself. His life, which should have been 15-18 years, was cut short at less than two. I made my Opty a promise, and have resworn that vow many times in the five years since. I promised Him I would keep His family together and give the rest of my Babies the life they, and He, deserve.

I failed.

We’ve been staying with friends since losing my apartment in September due to the building being condemned as a result of the landlord not paying the water bill. My Babies stay in the basement because of the dogs in the house. I’ve been working a new job since February. The shifts are 10 hours, it’s in a refrigerated warehouse that’s mostly freezer, between the complications from the collapsed lung and the issues from the curve in my spine I’m in constant pain and always tired. Everyday when I get up I spend some time with my Babies talking to them and giving pets and scratches to whichever of them decide they want some love. I do the same when I get in from work in the morning.

Everyday I see them. Everyday I pet them. Everyday I have at least one of them in my lap, usually at least three. Everyday I failed to notice a problem.

When the dogs go out in the yard they sometimes bring in more than they left with. The friends providing us housing have a bag of diatomaceous earth in the basement because it happens every year. The dogs have been thumping the floors constantly for the last couple weeks and I didn’t notice. My cats have been less clustered and more “loner” for the last couple weeks and I chalked it up to them being in an antisocial mood. I’ve been getting bitten up and just assumed it was mosquitoes at work on break and lunch. I didn’t see the problem when it would have mattered.

Friday, May 30, Calicat Jackie was laying near the basement sink instead of in the box of magazines She’d claimed for Herself and I noticed Her back legs and tail were all matted and dirty. The furnace/AC has a drain pipe for the water that condenses in it when the AC is on but the cats keep knocking it away from the drain so it creates a puddle. I assumed She had been laying in the puddle and then got into something that got Her legs all dirty. I brought Her upstairs in the carrier to give Her a bath and while bathing Her I started seeing blood in the water. It was coming from around Her belly and the water draining off of Her neck and head. That’s when I saw the scratches from Her claws. I also saw the cause.

Fleas. That’s why the cats are keeping to themselves. They’re all uncomfortable, getting bitten up, and being predators they’re avoiding each other to not have their “weakness” taken advantage of.

The dogs brought fleas in from the yard, they’ve been spreading through the house, and my cats have them. I bathed Her multiple times to get as many of them off as I could, got Her dried off and even though I didn’t like doing it I took Her back to the basement in the carrier. I opened the door and left it like that so She could hide in there if She wanted and promised Her I’d make it all better when I got home from work.

After work I went to Walmart and got flea shampoo, spray for on the cats, and spray for furniture to kill the fleas. As soon as I got home I went downstairs to get Calicat and bathe Her first. She was still in the carrier, Her fur was still a mess from being towel dried, and when I called Her name and tapped on the side of the box She didn’t respond.

I was too late. Calicat had gone to the Bridge to join Her Brofur Optimus.

I lost it. I closed up the carrier and ran up the stairs to take it outside then went back down to look for the rest of my Babies. I got them all sprayed with the on body flea spray, got it rubbed in, then went back up and out to the yard to Calicat. I took the top off the carrier and when I shined a light on Her I could see the fleas leaving. The vile things killed Her and were trying to leave to find a new victim.

I lost it again. I got the can of furniture spray and used it. I wasn’t going to let those things just leave and go on with their lives. That wasn’t the end of it. I just couldn’t leave Her like that. The thought of those things on Her body was too much. I closed up the carrier and took her up to the bathroom to bathe her again. I had to get them off Her. I had to. The spray hadn’t been enough and there were some still alive. The flea shampoo took care of that. Those vile parasites were not going to infect another creature and they were not going to have my Baby as a cemetery.

I talked to her and cried the entire time. After I dried Her off I brushed Her fur flat with my hand, continued talking to Her, and finally wrapped Her up in the towel I use to dry my hair, the DaddyFur as I called it with them because they always groomed it after my showers when we had our own place and they could lay with me. Calicat always fixed my goatee for me, that was Hers alone. Now She’s gone because I didn’t see what I should have and the best I could do is to wrap Her in my towel before placing Her in a bag and putting her on the back porch until I can call the vet about cremation.

Wednesday, June 11th I went downstairs to get my Babies and take then to the bathroom for another round of flea baths and I found Lynx. She’d joined Her Litter Sissy at the Bridge with Opty.

I lost it again. I tended to Her, I killed those vile creatures, I cleaned them off of Her, and then I wrapped Her in a towel and dried Her off for the last time. She’d lay on my pillow curled around my head as I slept, curl up beside my chest when I stretched out to read, and lick my forehead and cheeks while purring when I wasn’t feeling good.

Two weeks, two Babies.

I failed Them.
I failed Calicat.
I failed Lynx
I failed Optimus.
I failed all my Babies.

She was suffering the pain of those bites and of scratching Herself open and I failed to see my Babies needed me. They took care of me when I needed it, but I failed to take care of them.
I deserve the pain I live in.